Top 10 TV/movie celebrities

Earlier this year, I learned that I am supposed to have an opinion on relative attractiveness amongst our beloved stars of television and cinema. Being the insightful fellow that I am, I gave some serious thought to the matter in order to form an educated opinion. Now, without further ado, I present the list of my:

Top 5 hottest actresses

5. Jewel Staite. I read somewhere that Ms. Staite had to gain about 20 pounds for her role as ship's mechanic Kaylee Frye on the short-lived sci-fi series Firefly. She's Canadian.

4. Uma Thurman. Everyone loves Uma in Kill Bill, but I prefer her with the black wig in Pulp Fiction. This should not be surprising after you consider my other selections.

3. Charlize Theron. Shown here in her role as Æon Flux in the movie of the same name, which I have never seen. I guess it wasn't very good? She's another blonde-turned-brunette for the sake of the part.

2. Kat Von D. Is Kat Von D really an actress? I don't know. She was on my favorite tattoo-related TV series and so she counts. Apparently she left that one and opened her own tattoo shop in LA, with a brand-new corresponding reality show on TLC. I really need to get cable one of these days.

1. Pauley Perrette. I started watching NCIS as a guilty pleasure, but now I can't help coming back for more. How come? "Goth" Forensics Specialist Abby Sciuto. She's cute as a button, and she doesn't just play a forensic scientist on TV--she also has a Master's Degree in Criminology. That's hot.

Top 5 handsomest actors (a.k.a. "man crushes")

5. Bruce Willis. He's been in so many great roles, it's hard to pick a favorite. I chose a still shot from The Whole Nine Yards because he's a a mobster in this movie, and that's awesome. I also could have gone with The Fifth Element, in which he plays an ex-military cab driver in the future.

4. Sir Ian McKellen. Okay, the dude was Magneto and Gandalf. He rocks so hard, that he was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 1990 in anticipation of these seminal roles. Also he does some theatre acting. He's a vegetarian.

3. Jean Reno. During my exhaustive research in the course of compiling this list, I learned that Jean Reno was in the horrible American bastardization of Godzilla. To me, he will always be Léon, the Professional. (Yes, this photo is actually from Ronin, because he looks badass.)

2. Patrick Stewart. The original man crush from my impressionable boyhood days watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. And nobody could do a better Professor Charles Xavier than him. Permission to name you number two on my list? "Make it so!"

1. Hugh Laurie. When he talks like normal, he's just a very witty Englishman. Throw in the scathing American accent, unshaved face, and bitchin' cane, and Hugh transforms into the oh-so-dreamy Dr. House. I'd like to take a ride on his motorcycle. Oh no, I've said too much!

I'm on TV

Click here to watch me embarrass myself on live television! This was one of four segments on local Fox 9 News this morning. The other clips talked about the shop (I like you) and did a couple of craft demonstrations. You can't buy this kind of publicity (well, maybe you can, but we got it for free).

We didn't know in advance exactly how the day would go. So we were delighted to get not just four whole segments, but also four teasers. You know the little clips that run before a commercial and end with "...when we come back" or "...a-right after this"? They did that. Because our craft fair is cliffhanger-worthy.

I'm still thrilled about the coverage and kind of amazed that we got away with it. I think it will sink in when we get to watch the whole thing. Jenna asked her sister to Tivo the whole program, and we'll try to put that footage on the online somehow. Anybody out there who knows how to make that happen?

America's Next Tat Model

I love watching shows where I get to pass judgment on people. Who saw the premiere of Top Model? Anyone? Just me then?

Last night's episode began with a larger pool of girls (around 20) and was whittled down to 12 over the course of two hours. The lady above was removed in the first round of cuts. I was not surprised, but somewhat confused why they bothered to introduce her in the first place. She would have been the most interesting contestant in the show. When she appeared on screen, I whispered, "she's my favorite." My wife glared at me.

As the only woman on the show with multiple tattoos, she's not only attractive, but very unique. I understand that beauty is not a prerequisite for modeling, and that being unique is actually a handicap (there was a big to-do about including two "plus-size" models among this season's participants). This makes sense. For practical reasons, it helps if all your models have approximately the same dimensions.

Of course, tattooed girls are not excluded for practical reasons. Tattoos don't interfere with your ability to wear a dress, but they might take the attention away from that dress and have people looking at the model instead. We can't have that! The model is a mannequin to display product. To the eye of a high fashion tastemaker, the difference between a size 6 and a size 14 is narrower than the gap between plainskins and those with decorated bodies.

Bahamas Week part three

The "Sailing Capitol of the Bahamas" is a title frequently applied to the Exumas, and we were appropriately eager to hit the water, so on Tuesday we started to explore the area by speedboat. This was clearly the ideal and most popular approach to transportation. The harbors and bays were filled with yachts and sailboats of varying sizes. It appeared that the majority of the transient population kept their big boats docked and used dinghies to commute between them and the shore. I am not proud to admit that this fact inspired me to say "quit playing with your dinghy" on more than one occasion.

On that day we docked at Stocking Island and walked across it to the wide-open ocean side. We played on the sand beach and watched the waves come in for an hour or so before returning to the boat. Rain started to fall almost immediately, and we were drenched by the time we got back to February Point. It was dark and drizzly for the rest of the day. I took a nice hot shower and a nap, and had plenty of time to dig into Infinite Jest. We played a dice game for a while and watched some American Idol on the satellite TV.

Calmer, warmer weather swept in overnight and stayed with us for the rest of the week. After being holed up indoors for half the previous day, J. and I were glad of the chance to slip out and walk to Georgetown on Wednesday morning for some quick liquor shopping. We bought a bottle of Nassau something-or-other, "the island spirit," because the packaging caught my wife's eye, plus a promising-looking bottle of dark Bahamian rum. We hid them from my parents back at the villa, since they like to hassle me about my drinking. But that's a topic for another day.

The next few hours were spent boating around and exploring little beaches on a nearby island. At the first stop, we stayed a while and waded through the shallow water to find shells and sea creatures. Mostly tiny snails and big starfish in that area, but we did find a few exotic animals. I spotted three or four squishy green sea-slugs oozing around, and a little brown ray. We took some abandoned shells with us.

For lunch, we returned to Stocking Island and ordered grilled cheese sandwiches at Chat 'n' Chill. There's been some talk in the 'sphere lately about grilled cheese being a great meal, which it is, when it's done right. My all-time personal favorite is tomatoes and red chili peppers with at least two kinds of good cheese (the choice of bread is also very important), although I once had a spectacular triple-decker that I've never been able to duplicate. When we got ours after a long wait, they turned out to be Velveeta slices melted in little hamburger buns. Worst grilled cheese sandwiches ever.

On the way out I got a little disoriented looking at the map and led us into water so shallow that our motor was kicking up sand. After we were properly grounded in knee-deep water, my dad and I jumped out of the boat to pull it back into deeper seas. The sand was pockmarked with holes that sunk down by a foot when I stepped into them, and my water shoes sucked to the bottom to make just taking a step into an ordeal. Eventually we got back out and the family spotted a huge ray on our way back to Great Exuma, which I missed seeing because I was too busy stewing over the fact that I can't even read a map.

I recovered my spirits after another hot shower to wash the muck out from between my toes. J. was feeling a little green around the gills, but a long nap was all she needed. While she rested, I walked back into town with my mom & brother to shop for groceries. We got back as the sun was setting and baked a good, filling dinner. That night I watched CSI and House for the first time. I don't know why I avoid TV when I'm at home in the Minnesota winter but can sit through two hours of it when I'm in the Bahamas. Probably because I was too worn out to do much of anything else. I still popped in and out of the villa to watch the stars during commercial breaks.

Thursday was our last full day in the Bahamas, and went snorkeling at last. My parents had some experience going in, but my wife and I only had the class practice in the YMCA pool. We all did fine and had a fun morning of that, then lunch and a siesta. My family dropped me & J. off in town and then took off for more boating. The two of us did a little souvenir shopping and thought about renting scooters, but I nixed that idea. Instead we just hung around and relaxed. We all had dinner back at the villa again and tried to finish up all the food we bought. Then we packed our suitcases so we were ready to go early the next morning for our flight back to Florida.

The final installment on Friday: fancy dinner, the flights home, and a hunt for Dunkin' Donuts!